I just wanna share what anxiety was for me and how I’m still overcoming it and how I have learnt so much about who I am from feeling anxiety. I’ll be honest this post gives me anxiety 😂.
I’ve probably had anxiety for about 4 years but have been totally unaware of the extremes of it till about 9 months ago. I suffer from a physical side of it aswell, that being what I thought was ” ibs -c ” and I now know that it totally wasn’t that.
My anxiety started with my stomach blowing up, and having no idea why, everytime I ate or drank something my stomach would blow up and stay like that for days.. Anyways this later became like an obsession something that I couldn’t keep my mind off no matter where I was no matter who I was with, and the whole time it was huge. Everytime I ate something that could have ranged from a packet or Doritos to a banana, I would automatically sit and wait to see if my stomach would react, I was petrified of the way it felt and how it looked. I would go out for dinner with people and I couldn’t have a good time because it was always there, waiting.. This also became quite sad for me, i was only in my early 20s my thoughts were I can’t wear this dress tonight because as soon as I drink alcohol I’ll blow up or While I was drinking I’d be be upset because I was in so much pain and everyone else could enjoy their drinks, and food and have a good time. I was soo wanting to find the cause to this I tried diets I tried teas I tried exercise nothing worked I was still uncomfortable and bloated. I became very reliant on laxatives as I was desperate doctors couldn’t help me I had scans cameras breathe tests nothing was wrong with me. Through this time I was also going through so much with my ex partner, there was a lot of manipulation, and me not listening to myself and letting things slide because I loved him, or listening to his bullshit even though deep down I knew what I should have done.. for so many reasons I was doing this, not wanting to be alone, he was fun, I didn’t know how to create my own fun anyway.
It wasn’t till the last 9 months of my life where I was able to stand back from my life and have a serious look at what was going on. This and a lot of other things, through this period of my life my ibs became crippling. My “ibs” was my body’s way of reacting to stress in which it had put a lot more stress on me by doing this but for this I am thankful as it has really taught me a lot.
This one day I was out with a friend I didn’t really want to go, she just sits there and talks about herself, but I couldn’t say no, I didn’t want to upset her, so I did my usual reaction to this situation “ohhh well it doesn’t matter let’s look at the positive side to this, I am out I am having a good time.” while I was with her, this “positive view” became a ruminating thought and my stomach began flairing up again the butterfly’s the nuasia, and I really stood back and I thought hang on a minute what is happening here, I began to pay attention to what I was thinking at the time and my thoughts were very negative, my thoughts were ” fuck this shit, fuck her, she’s so fucking selfish, how the fuck can she not see what she’s doing? I would never fucking sit there an complain about everything all the time, I can’t stand her” These thoughts I was trying to not listen to because I was trying to practise gratitude and being a good person, and being nice to people, and trying to find compassion for this person again, putting a positive spin on my negative situation, and my angry thoughts because I thought I shouldn’t think like that I should be nice. But then I remembered someone saying to me that not everything in life in positive, negative things happen, so I let loose within my mind, and I was sooo angry, my whole body was angry I had the angriest face 😂. I decided to just sit there and listen to all these thoughts in my head. The tension in my stomach disappeared, I was left with anger. This alarmed me I was fascinated with this! Oh my god it’s gone! What the hell. So I went home that evening and meditated to investigate that, and I laid there and really listened to my thoughts and they were so angry, and my thoughts on this situation were “fuck that, she literally pisses me off I don’t like her, I shouldn’t have gone.” I figured out that I didn’t actually want to be there, I went there because I felt bad, then my thoughts changed, my thoughts then went to all I do is do this shit for people even when I don’t want to. I reliesed through this that I was seeking approval I wanted them to like me I wasn’t respecting myself and listening to myself when I was saying no I don’t really want to go, I wasn’t putting up boundaries with this person, I wasn’t acknowledging my thoughts and anger, because I was scared that if I did that they’d be upset or mad at me… through this thought I realised I lacked total confidence in saying things to people because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, but I was never thinking about my feelings, I had respect for them but not myself… through this acknowledgment and this learning something about myself, I was able to look at that situation and analysis how I could approach this without blowing up, and how I could say things nicely and not get myself stuck in situations with them.
Back to the anxiety, still being fascinated that it was gone and reliesing that I wasn’t honouring how I felt at the time and as soon as I did and let myself feel what I was feeling it went away, then it clicked, this is what sitting in your feelings is, this is what emotional blockages meant. While I was angry my anger lead me to an action, and that action was to back off from them, and to learn how to set boundaries so that I didn’t explode in my rage my anger was teaching me to respect how I felt, how I felt isn’t a bad thing it was just what I didn’t like and I needed to see that so I could learn to have healthy respect for myself so that my inner peace wouldn’t be disturbed, it wasn’t her fault that I felt like that it was mine because if I didn’t like it I shouldn’t have put myself in such a vulnerable position.
My emotions lead me into doing something that I needed to do. This then led me see that once I did that I was great I could manage her in small doses and I did like her, but more importantly oh my god, my body was my friend my emotions are trying to help guide me, they’re there to help guide me on my right path, my emotions want me to be happy and calm there guiding me into as to what action should be taking my emotions are telling me what sort of person I am, what I’m lacking within myself, what my tolerance levels of people are and when I need to walk away, when I need to say no, there showing me what I expect out of myself, what sort of people I want around me, my emotions, my body, my feelings are guiding me into the life I need and want to make me happy, my body is leading me to what they call my “divine path” I did cry at this thought 😂 ” oh my god my body loves me and I’ve just been telling it noo we need to be positive and nice to people, look at this!”
Once I had figured this out, I started thinking about something that I was angry about because I want to learn and get rid of it and move on, what I thought the term of “letting go” means. I started thinking about my ex, I didn’t want to keep thinking about him” I need to forgive this cocksucker sucker… wow so much rage towards him, I need to see him I want him to apologise to me I want a peaceful resolution” so from learning what I had learnt honouring my feelings they lead me to my correct path I went to message him, but this crippling anxiety came over me again, ” wow what the hell is that” so I listened to my thoughts “what if he sits there and talks about his fantastic ass life, with his new gf that he got 2 weeks after me, what if he rejects me?” So what was this for me now? Seeing that I was scared and I had so many what ifs, I had this horrible pain within my stomach again, I use to think it was my body telling me I shouldn’t go there 😂 I thought this was a “sign” as I had some sort of awareness of my body and how it could tell me things… obviously that wasn’t entirely correct but I was not aware 😂 hence the ibs diagnosis. Anyways this feeling, was fear, and again I tried to control my thoughts, ” no I need to do this I need to follow my feelings.” I was crippled by this again until I let loose in my mind, I stood there and felt my heart beat I felt my body pulsate, I let myself feel the feeling and let my self think it’s natural thoughts.
These thoughts and feelings had stopped me everytime from messaging him and doing what my emotions wanted me to do, so I thought fuck it, I’m doing it, what’s the saying? ” do what you fear?” So I confronted the basterd 😂 and it didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would! He accepted to see me.
My fear has been controlling my actions, my fear was suppressing how I felt, even in the simplest thought of I don’t want to hurt their feelings. My fear has been brushing off how I feel, I’ve been listening to my fear for a long time. Instead of just doing what I want and need to do what my body is telling me to do. When I feel fear now, I sit in it let my thoughts fly and listen to them and say a little something back like ” I will not scare myself by thinking about what could happen, I will use this to build my self respect.” A positive affirmation after letting myself feel and listen to my thoughts really puts my being at ease.