Forgiveness and some envy

When I split up with my ex the anger and resentment came and was there for a long time, there was sadness behind that as well that came into play, the missing him even though he was so horrible.

He had moved on in about two weeks, because you know, that was just the type of person he is πŸ˜‚ and I was so mad at him for doing that as well as confused “how can a cock head like that just move on and be so dam happy and I’m stuck here broken from how horrible he was to me!”

So by this point I knew I had to forgive him, that was how I’d move on from this. When I looked up the word forgiveness I was actually surprised at the meaning

forgive – stop feeling angry or resentful towards (someone) for an offence, flaw or mistake…

Yeah wow I know right I was so shocked I had no idea..

My thoughts were how the hell do I stop feeling angry or resentful towards him? So I started looking at situations that I was so angered by and his behaviour, and I started actually understanding the situation I had to look at what he did why he did it and you know all of these situations led me to believe that he is actually quite a hurt soul and either doesn’t know what he’s doing or knows what he’s doing and doesn’t care, I actually really had to analysis the situations and really understand for my brain to be able to cope with it, I wrote down how angry I was, I felt the anger and this was fine… I said right I let go of that I am okay with it I understand now… soooo I thought πŸ˜‚

I was okay for a couple of months but he’d always pop up in my head or he would message me telling me he missed me and I’d feel either sad or resentful, and I always came back to this same thing “why does he get to be happy and I am here sitting in my feelings confused, how does he seem to win every situation?” I then again analysed this situation because that’s what I do, and I kept get this envy card in my deck of cards. (Angel cards)(Envy isn’t a nice thing to have it blocks you from receiving the good in life because your so focused on all the good everyone else has and comparing that to your own just really doesn’t make you feel good. ) how do I stop feeling envious of this situation..? It’s a shit situation it literally angers me to my core, anyway I ended up running into him, and he told me how he wanted to say sorry and would love to go out for dinner and talk but he needed to run this by his new gf because he had changed and really learnt from our relationship… πŸ™„πŸ˜‚ I didn’t really feel comfortable at the time with him running this by his new gf, and to be honest, this actually made me so mad, πŸ˜‚ like so mad.. like the rage was huge I walked away hopped in my car and let loose, “fukn changed, pigs ring as if what a fucking liar all he does is lie, he’s changed pff so much that’s why he moved on in 2 weeks.” This stewed on my mind, till I started remember how me and him got together, and how this situation was very similar to the one he had with me and his former ex, this situation really started clicking for me I was now the ex and this poor new girl has no idea what she is in for yet, He hadn’t changed he just played happy and perfect to make things seem like they were good and that he was winning at life. He did the exact same thing with me and we were very far from happy once the honey moon stage had passed, I was envious and completely forgetting what it was like to be with him, in fact I also had realised that I was probably a very envious person and he worked off of that with many things in our relationship, he’d always make me feel envious about everything he did, he’d flaunt how much money he had, how good his job was, I didn’t even realise how envious I was as a person, and how much envy is just a waste of time and is totally untrue. I didn’t miss him or the relationship, I was just so unhappy with my own life because I was so envious all the time.

I had to understand a whole situation to let it go. My brain had to learn the lesson of envy, I had to see that people make up shit and I believed it because I was so riddled with envy.

This man was here to teach me of my envy and bitterness and how much it was holding me back in life… once my mind was able to see and understand the situation clearly and learn the lesson at that time. I literally stopped thinking of him with emotions. He just became a memory.

Advertisements

Ohhh that’s forgiveness

When I first started this journey, I was a very angry person.. πŸ˜‚ so Angry, so anxious , my anger was a lot of hate towards other people doing things to me but it was also a lot of hate towards myself, at this point in journey I was carrying a lot of guilt for who I was and how I was acting, and I had a lot of people tell me how horrible I was. I actually found myself to be in a position where I thought I was just a straight shit person because a lot of people seemed to be able to dignify there behaviours and blame a lot of things on me, and me being so sensitive and remorseful naturally, I would believe what they were saying over my own truths, this also was a lesson for me with my self respect, but hey that’s another thing to write about … anyways this angry me was not only angry, but confused, guilty, disappointed and sad.

At this stage in my life I had a lot people leave my life, due to myself making these choices or things had happened and these people were just not in my life anymore. I thought it was the worst thing ever, these people in my life had done me wrong and as well I had done wrong, but for the most part I just thought I must be horrible no one likes me( I was in a very victim mind state at this time πŸ˜‚ this just made me feel worse.) I had a lot of forgiving to do not just with them but more so with myself. I carried a lot of guilt in my actions… I looked at a few situations and had to really analyse what a person had done to me in that situation which made me act in a certain way, or what I had done to that person for them to act in a certain way, My questions would consist of, Why did that situation happen, who was involved why did I act that way, was it because I wanted a reaction, and if so why did I want that reaction? What was I really trying to say in that present moment, (as I believe that all of your actions are for good reason and help identify who you are but without the understanding of that, Yeah you tend to lash out.)

So after all my situations and shit was in the air I felt horrible, I saw what I had done and I wasn’t happy with it, this also required a lot of honesty with myself, honesty with myself was absolutely brutal because I had to accept what I had done to work out why I had done it and work out how I could handle similar situations better. The emotions that came with this were so shit. I sat in them for a very long time because I had no idea what to do with them.

I kept doing my cards everyday and I kept getting this Forgiveness card, this forgiveness card also shat me because I thought forgiveness was something I was good at, “I forgive everyone I’m a good person, I’ve forgiven them/him/her so many times I can do it again.” Forgiveness to me was getting mad and ignoring people/ him/her for a while.. explaining my issue after being asked what was wrong so many times and then letting it go but not really because I would still remember itπŸ˜‚ sometimes I would get an apology back, and people would say they would change or they could see how they upset me and bam you know it, they always went back to how they were, I felt walked on used, annoyed, sad. I also learnt through this journey of forgiveness and learning about myself that if I have an issue with someone or something, it is because it went against my beliefs or my moral codes, somethings like my beliefs maybe needed to be altered but if it was what I truely believed in and what a person did really hurt me, it was probably best for me to walk away, that was my true authentic self telling me this person doesn’t sit right with me and they are disturbing my inner peace, they aren’t meant to be on your path. But again that is something I have learnt. They way I forgave myself was by seeing what I did wrong accepting what I did because for who I was and what I knew at that time that was probably the best way that I could have handle that situation, and letting go of that resentment towards myself, letting go of the I shouldn’t have done that, because if I had have know what I shouldn’t have done I probably wouldn’t have done it. Acceptance helped me see things clearly. Understanding how I felt in that situation and knowing that oh I could have just said that and it wouldn’t have exploded helped me grow as a person. Viewing myself with compassion and seeing that at that time I was probably unable to handle that situation any better helped Let go of my feelings towards myself. Forgiveness was something I had learnt from a young age and It had seem that it had followed me for a long time, and put me in a lot of confusion because I never really knew the meaning.

Emotions for me

My emotions was a tricky one, I had spent a lot of time suppressing my emotions which I found out led to anxiety. Emotions were very easy for me to suppress, I could easily distract myself, little did I know though, was my anxiety was due to suppression of my emotions which was due to suppression of my true authentic self which was denying my self love and self care, self love and self care I believe are an accumulation of things but on the road to learning how to feel my emotions I am seeming to figure out what true love for myself really entails… I digress πŸ˜‚

My emotions, I never let myself feel them if someone or something pissed me off I’d always try back it up with reasoning as to why a situation is the way it is and I would choose to follow what my “logic” this also for me was I was trying to control how I felt because I thought I shouldn’t have felt that way.

Wasn’t until I was put in some situations and I felt my anxiety build up and like I mentioned in my anxiety post is that once I stopped pretending the situation wasn’t a positive one it was actually a negative one, and I let my rage go within my mind it helped me feel better, once I was in that mind state of anger I would allow myself to feel the anger whilst being very aware that I do not need to let my anger out it is something only I need to know about people do not have to deal with my anger. Plus it’s mine and if you see my anger you know you’ve hit a vulnerable spot, soo I’d rather deal with that on my own. I also am very aware that to feel these emotions is uncomfortable.. so uncomfortable I don’t like feeling angry it lingers and just find my mood and thoughts makes me really negative, but allowing myself to feel this enabled me to “let it go” it does go, it doesn’t stay, I have found that your emotion just want you to honour them, they want to feel loved and acknowledged.. they are very needy πŸ˜‚ so when allowing myself to sit and feel this emotion without letting my mind distract myself, I began to question as to why I felt angry, what was making me so furious, what could learn from this situation (was my body telling me I wasn’t liking a particular person or situation) and what was the coarse in action I needed to take in order to make myself feel better again, I truely believe your emotions lead to an action as I believe that your emotions and thoughts hold the key to your true path. Through the start of this I thought I needed to act on what ever my emotion was telling me to do as it was leading me, but to what I am starting to figure out now is that my emotions can sometimes lead me to the underlying feeling I am feeling and I should probably get to that first so I can have more of an understanding of what I’m dealing with here, once I have finished questioning myself I can then access the situation, is there a need for me to communicate that? Can I deal with this on my own? Can I understand why this person or situation has made me feel like this? Have I learnt that maybe I won’t do this again, can I find compassion for this person? I always have to remind myself that their actions are a representation of themselves and my actions are a representation of myself, I do not want this person to make me feel angry, how am I letting them disturb my inner peace? Am I engaging or reacting to them? What can I do to retain my inner peace? Can I smile and walk away and remember that there actions do not define me as a person? Yes yes I can.. I’ve also found that sometimes your emotions and feelings and thoughts can lead you to walk away from people or situations that you don’t exactly want to because you love them, but I’ve found my mind and my body always seem to have my best interest at heart and want me to be happy and joyful, walking with your emotions takes courage but it has helped me learn so much more about who I am.

I truely love this quote because if someone has made your mad or upset, and you react, what are the repercussions of your your actions, where will this repercussion put you in your mind and then in your life… seeing the bigger picture and wider perspective is it worth it? Can I calmly say what I want to say! Why am I giving this person so much power by showing them my vulnerability how can I change this vulnerability, this belief so I can better myself for future situations like this.

Meditating when well fuck I can’t.

πŸ˜‚

Meditation… meditation was something I started a few months ago as well. I am a big believer in the universe and I use to do my deck of cards everyday asking them questions (anxietyπŸ˜‚).. and this dam meditation card would come up everytime, I actually freekon hated this card I use to to sit there and complain to my angels, God’s what ever you wanna believe… maybe even complain to myself πŸ˜‚ “fucking meditate! Again, I can’t I sit there and I lay there and I can’t stop fucking thinking I can’t fucking meditate what the hell do you mean! Fucking meditate pfft.” As you can see so much anger at the time πŸ˜‚, starting on this journey 9 months ago I was doing a lot of googling on many things but my main thing was the damn anxiety because like in previous posts The physical symptoms were horrible, ( I also didn’t know to much about my anxiety at that time) so anyways how to relax yourself … mindfulness, being in the present… acceptance… “yeahhh right, acceptance I fukn accept it I have no choice but to accept it, yeah fucking welcome back anxiety.” Anyway I digress, so this meditating use to bother me because I couldn’t do it and let alone want to do it, I spent 10 mins once a week, I would do it when I gave up and my anxiety was to much. I always felt great after it for about 20 mins then you know bam it was back. I started setting myself goals during the day, while I was at work to not think, this mindfulness I needed to get on top of it I wanted to learn it. So I started meditating a little more, and I’d lay there and I’d think, I’d listen to my anxiety in my heart and the feeling in my stomach then reliese That I was concentrating on it and making it worse so I would stop doing that and try shut my thoughts off, would do that for a while if 2 mins then go back to this anxiety god it was horrible, the anxiety was just so much it’s all I could concentrate on, I literally had anxiety over having anxiety.

What I’ve learnt further along my track of meditation that when I’m laying there and closing my eyes I am within myself, and let me tell you, being within myself was crazy, it was very hard for me to sit there within myself it was uncomfortable.. I would be so uncomfortable within my skin.

I couldn’t find any information on how to deal with it all I could find was things telling me to stop my thoughts and “be in the present or when thoughts come let them come don’t judge them,” yeah what the fuck does that even mean πŸ˜‚ “don’t judge them,” alright they fukn freak me out out and there making me feel worse there just going fucking mental up in here! I am doing this to learn how to control these mother fuckers, all this stuff that I was reading up on and trying to understand just didn’t click, I didn’t understand it. ( I learnt that to learn something you have to actually understand it.. my brain needed to understand things to actually work it out to then do it) (I don’t think that’s just my brain I’m pretty sure that’s all brains) πŸ˜‚ so I continued with my meditating, and I sort of just went with the thoughts, They were stressful, I’d have to stop and write things out, because There was also emotions connected to these thoughts (obviously.. your thoughts are emotions as well.. I probably wasn’t really connecting the two I was just trying to avoid the emotion..) I would get these thoughts and begin to question them. When your meditating you are in your calmest form even though I didn’t feel calm at all I was able to connect to my true self, I was able to lay there and think, and feel all these feelings and I was able to start questioning myself, I was able to answer my own questions. Because the questions that I had, I already New the answers I just probably wasn’t really listening to my questions and answers…

What I was reading about meditation was not wrong, but it wasn’t what I needed at that time, I needed to think I needed to feel I needed to learn about my feelings and my thoughts, I needed to listen to my thoughts because they were my feelings. Meditation is about training the mind, suppose I have a lot of training to do, but through meditation I have learnt to observe my thought and feel my emotion, what that means is sometimes, not all the time because I’m no monk πŸ˜‚ I can like, access my emotions, wow what am I feeling right now, okay and then with this feeling comes the angry thoughts, with this feeling comes the angry sensations (learning what this sensation felt like) seeing how a thought can bring in such a feeling, when after all it’s just a thought, becoming friends with my thoughts and learning that I don’t always need to say them or act on the and if I have a negative thought I can correct the thought with a positive one, my thoughts are my wisdom, my thoughts are what I feel about situations, my thoughts can just be for my benefits or my thoughts can be shared, my thoughts aren’t always right, but there not always wrong either, my thoughts are an indication as to what’s happening on my inside…This stuff is all confusing but my point is πŸ˜‚ meditation does help! It might seem impossible and hard but just stick it out because great results thus far and I have been doing it for long at all!

Anxiety

I just wanna share what anxiety was for me and how I’m still overcoming it and how I have learnt so much about who I am from feeling anxiety. I’ll be honest this post gives me anxiety πŸ˜‚.

I’ve probably had anxiety for about 4 years but have been totally unaware of the extremes of it till about 9 months ago. I suffer from a physical side of it aswell, that being what I thought was ” ibs -c ” and I now know that it totally wasn’t that.

My anxiety started with my stomach blowing up, and having no idea why, everytime I ate or drank something my stomach would blow up and stay like that for days.. Anyways this later became like an obsession something that I couldn’t keep my mind off no matter where I was no matter who I was with, and the whole time it was huge. Everytime I ate something that could have ranged from a packet or Doritos to a banana, I would automatically sit and wait to see if my stomach would react, I was petrified of the way it felt and how it looked. I would go out for dinner with people and I couldn’t have a good time because it was always there, waiting.. This also became quite sad for me, i was only in my early 20s my thoughts were I can’t wear this dress tonight because as soon as I drink alcohol I’ll blow up or While I was drinking I’d be be upset because I was in so much pain and everyone else could enjoy their drinks, and food and have a good time. I was soo wanting to find the cause to this I tried diets I tried teas I tried exercise nothing worked I was still uncomfortable and bloated. I became very reliant on laxatives as I was desperate doctors couldn’t help me I had scans cameras breathe tests nothing was wrong with me. Through this time I was also going through so much with my ex partner, there was a lot of manipulation, and me not listening to myself and letting things slide because I loved him, or listening to his bullshit even though deep down I knew what I should have done.. for so many reasons I was doing this, not wanting to be alone, he was fun, I didn’t know how to create my own fun anyway.

It wasn’t till the last 9 months of my life where I was able to stand back from my life and have a serious look at what was going on. This and a lot of other things, through this period of my life my ibs became crippling. My “ibs” was my body’s way of reacting to stress in which it had put a lot more stress on me by doing this but for this I am thankful as it has really taught me a lot.

This one day I was out with a friend I didn’t really want to go, she just sits there and talks about herself, but I couldn’t say no, I didn’t want to upset her, so I did my usual reaction to this situation “ohhh well it doesn’t matter let’s look at the positive side to this, I am out I am having a good time.” while I was with her, this “positive view” became a ruminating thought and my stomach began flairing up again the butterfly’s the nuasia, and I really stood back and I thought hang on a minute what is happening here, I began to pay attention to what I was thinking at the time and my thoughts were very negative, my thoughts were ” fuck this shit, fuck her, she’s so fucking selfish, how the fuck can she not see what she’s doing? I would never fucking sit there an complain about everything all the time, I can’t stand her” These thoughts I was trying to not listen to because I was trying to practise gratitude and being a good person, and being nice to people, and trying to find compassion for this person again, putting a positive spin on my negative situation, and my angry thoughts because I thought I shouldn’t think like that I should be nice. But then I remembered someone saying to me that not everything in life in positive, negative things happen, so I let loose within my mind, and I was sooo angry, my whole body was angry I had the angriest face πŸ˜‚. I decided to just sit there and listen to all these thoughts in my head. The tension in my stomach disappeared, I was left with anger. This alarmed me I was fascinated with this! Oh my god it’s gone! What the hell. So I went home that evening and meditated to investigate that, and I laid there and really listened to my thoughts and they were so angry, and my thoughts on this situation were “fuck that, she literally pisses me off I don’t like her, I shouldn’t have gone.” I figured out that I didn’t actually want to be there, I went there because I felt bad, then my thoughts changed, my thoughts then went to all I do is do this shit for people even when I don’t want to. I reliesed through this that I was seeking approval I wanted them to like me I wasn’t respecting myself and listening to myself when I was saying no I don’t really want to go, I wasn’t putting up boundaries with this person, I wasn’t acknowledging my thoughts and anger, because I was scared that if I did that they’d be upset or mad at me… through this thought I realised I lacked total confidence in saying things to people because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, but I was never thinking about my feelings, I had respect for them but not myself… through this acknowledgment and this learning something about myself, I was able to look at that situation and analysis how I could approach this without blowing up, and how I could say things nicely and not get myself stuck in situations with them.

Back to the anxiety, still being fascinated that it was gone and reliesing that I wasn’t honouring how I felt at the time and as soon as I did and let myself feel what I was feeling it went away, then it clicked, this is what sitting in your feelings is, this is what emotional blockages meant. While I was angry my anger lead me to an action, and that action was to back off from them, and to learn how to set boundaries so that I didn’t explode in my rage my anger was teaching me to respect how I felt, how I felt isn’t a bad thing it was just what I didn’t like and I needed to see that so I could learn to have healthy respect for myself so that my inner peace wouldn’t be disturbed, it wasn’t her fault that I felt like that it was mine because if I didn’t like it I shouldn’t have put myself in such a vulnerable position.

My emotions lead me into doing something that I needed to do. This then led me see that once I did that I was great I could manage her in small doses and I did like her, but more importantly oh my god, my body was my friend my emotions are trying to help guide me, they’re there to help guide me on my right path, my emotions want me to be happy and calm there guiding me into as to what action should be taking my emotions are telling me what sort of person I am, what I’m lacking within myself, what my tolerance levels of people are and when I need to walk away, when I need to say no, there showing me what I expect out of myself, what sort of people I want around me, my emotions, my body, my feelings are guiding me into the life I need and want to make me happy, my body is leading me to what they call my “divine path” I did cry at this thought πŸ˜‚ ” oh my god my body loves me and I’ve just been telling it noo we need to be positive and nice to people, look at this!”

Once I had figured this out, I started thinking about something that I was angry about because I want to learn and get rid of it and move on, what I thought the term of “letting go” means. I started thinking about my ex, I didn’t want to keep thinking about him” I need to forgive this cocksucker sucker… wow so much rage towards him, I need to see him I want him to apologise to me I want a peaceful resolution” so from learning what I had learnt honouring my feelings they lead me to my correct path I went to message him, but this crippling anxiety came over me again, ” wow what the hell is that” so I listened to my thoughts “what if he sits there and talks about his fantastic ass life, with his new gf that he got 2 weeks after me, what if he rejects me?” So what was this for me now? Seeing that I was scared and I had so many what ifs, I had this horrible pain within my stomach again, I use to think it was my body telling me I shouldn’t go there πŸ˜‚ I thought this was a “sign” as I had some sort of awareness of my body and how it could tell me things… obviously that wasn’t entirely correct but I was not aware πŸ˜‚ hence the ibs diagnosis. Anyways this feeling, was fear, and again I tried to control my thoughts, ” no I need to do this I need to follow my feelings.” I was crippled by this again until I let loose in my mind, I stood there and felt my heart beat I felt my body pulsate, I let myself feel the feeling and let my self think it’s natural thoughts.

These thoughts and feelings had stopped me everytime from messaging him and doing what my emotions wanted me to do, so I thought fuck it, I’m doing it, what’s the saying? ” do what you fear?” So I confronted the basterd πŸ˜‚ and it didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would! He accepted to see me.

My fear has been controlling my actions, my fear was suppressing how I felt, even in the simplest thought of I don’t want to hurt their feelings. My fear has been brushing off how I feel, I’ve been listening to my fear for a long time. Instead of just doing what I want and need to do what my body is telling me to do. When I feel fear now, I sit in it let my thoughts fly and listen to them and say a little something back like ” I will not scare myself by thinking about what could happen, I will use this to build my self respect.” A positive affirmation after letting myself feel and listen to my thoughts really puts my being at ease.